IT’S A SECRET

I have a secret! I’m not proud! It’s my cross to bare! I never thought it could happen to me but it has. My family doesn’t know. I’ve become very good at hiding my faults. I’m an addict! How bad could it really be? Everyone is doing it. There is no street value for my drug of choice, even if there was I could never see myself sinking that low. After all, it’s readily available. It started small, one here, one there. Never on a daily basis. I can stop any time. At least that’s what I tell myself. We all need a little escape once and a while. Right? Right! There is no 12-step program for my addiction. Even if there were I wouldn’t go. I’ve thought about asking for help but that would mean admitting I have a problem. I don’t! I can stop anytime. I think of my drug everyday. I wake with it on my mind and go to sleep dreaming of my next fix. I’ve become an expert at hiding my stash. Even the drug-sniffing dogs would be fooled. No one can tell when I take a hit. It’s become such a daily need I don’t even remember what I was like before it took hold of my life. I guess it’s a small price to pay for relief. It comes in all shapes and sizes, I’m not picky, I like them all. What ever I can get my hands on I’ll take. If it’s small I’ll take two or three. The larger ones are better, they tide me over longer but even they can’t always satiate my desire for long. More, more, more!!! It’s a disease, a sickness too embarrassing to discuss with anyone. My only hope is that no one else has to suffer like I do. It’s not fun anymore but it’s become such an integral part of my life I don’t see any other way. I pray every day I’m not found out. The pain in my family’s eyes would be too much to take. I’m sorry! I’ve tried to stop but I’m too weak….
FUCKING REESE’S PEANUT BUTTER CUPS!!!!!

EAT THE FISH ~ IT’S GOOD FOR YOU!

As the black sheep of a politically adept family I never really put much thought into Washington and its happenings. Nor have I ever been a conspiracy theorist. That is until I came across this: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/29877241. A day doesn’t go by without reading somewhere that eating fish and taking fish oil supplements is good for the body. OK! It just so happens that I’ve always been a fish lover. I’ve never been able to get enough of it actually. Or any other sea life for that matter. I adore it!!! Now I know why… Per The Associated Press on MSNBC. COM: “fish caught near wastewater treatment plants serving five major U.S. cities had residues of pharmaceuticals in them, including medicines used to treat high cholesterol, allergies, high blood pressure, bipolar disorder and depression.” HMMMMM!?!?! Could it be that Uncle Sam and the pharmacy companies really are scratching each other’s backs? Keeping your cholesterol down and lowering your blood pressure are two other topics in the news on a daily basis. Ok then, if we are supposed to eat the fish and it already has the high cholesterol and high blood pressure meds in it, why are so many people taking their heart healthy daily doses in pill form? Perhaps our numbers are better then we’re led to believe but if we really knew it would we be buying the drugs? Don’t forget about the incentives the doctors get for being pushers. As for the allergy meds found, well DUH!!! With so many people allergic to seafood how else do they make it safe for them to ingest? Put the allergy meds into the food and it’s a win-win for everyone! My favorite findings relate to the bipolar and anti-depressants found, I suppose that’s one way to keep down the hysteria regarding the economy! If we’re all hopping around with smiles on our faces then who cares how little the stimulus package really helps us. “The Associated Press has also reported trace concentrations of pharmaceuticals have been detected in drinking water provided to at least 46 million Americans.” Gives a whole new meaning to “drink eight, eight ounce glasses of water everyday? Doesn’t it? I’m just saying……

SOME ENCHANTED EVENING

On Friday, my husband and I had the rare opportunity to have a date night. These chances come vary far and few between so, we decided to enjoy a nice meal at a local restaurant that did not include the usual chicken fingers, pizza or video game motif. The boys had a school social to attend. They were excited because it was two whole hours to run amok with friends out of site of mom and dad’s line of vision. I was excited because it was two whole hours of free baby-sitting service, a commodity even more difficult to come by than the actual date night. I sent my husband to drop the children off at school thus allowing me a few extra minutes to doll up for our big night. At approximately 7:10 pm I heard the summoning honk in our driveway reminiscent of our wooing years. Out I bounded ready to go out on the town with my prince charming. Something I had looked forward to all day. Hell, I even showered and put on make-up for the big event! Knowing full well the two hours would pass quickly we chose a cozy local establishment that we were anxious to try. It boasted the exotic eats of India and entertainment on Friday evenings. Belly Dancing!!! Something we were both looking forward to, although for very different reasons. Upon arrival the exotic aromas of curry and the sound of sitar tunes welcomed our senses. We were quickly seated and brought our drinks. While we perused the menu, Bathsheba the belly dancer entertained us, along with the many other happy diners. When it was time to order I chose a sampler platter that would take a full 20 minutes to prepare because of its variety. No problem I replied, we’d start with an appetizer and enjoy each other’s company while indulging in some adult dialogue. Moments passed, we enjoyed the show and each other. Happily munching on the bread and dipping sauces, we eagerly awaited the appetizers. While the entertainment was happening we lost all sense of time. At 8:00pm, approximately 40 minutes after we had placed our orders, the show ended and we realized our appetizers had yet to arrive. OK, I thought, we still have a good 45 minutes until we must leave to get the kids. I’m sure it will be out soon. Looking around we noticed newly seated diners enjoying their exotic treats unlike us who had only each other’s company to feed our souls. Flagging down our waitress in wonder of our meals arrival we were assured that they would be right out. Ok, no problem except that we had finished the bread, licked clean the dipping sauce dishes and began to drool over our neighbor’s plates. At a quick glance at my watch I realized it was now almost one hour since we had placed our orders and still nothing. Back and forth walked waiters with the meals of those surrounding us yet our table remained vacant of sustenance. Yet again flagging down our waitress, I asked if there was any idea where our meals were. Is 20 minutes in India time different than American time? Did the chef actually journey to India for our food? Let me check she replied. In a rush she returned and explained that the order was entered into the system but the kitchen never received the orders. WHAT!?!? We only had 20 minutes until departure. We were fit to be tied! I explained that at this point we needed our meals to go because we had to leave post haste. Can you at least accomplish that in a timely manner? “Of course, I’m very sorry.” By now we were both agitated from hunger. So much for our grown up meal. At least we didn’t have to hear the kids whine about how hungry they were, and when was the food getting here? “ So when will we get to eat?” my hubby asked. “ After we put the kids to bed we’ll eat.” “ I can’t wait that long.” Me either but, what else do you suggest?” “ I don’t know, let me get the car while you pay for dinner. We’ll figure something out.” The food finally arrived packaged to go with a brief apology. At least we saved on the tip since technically we didn’t eat at the table. Hopping into the car I suggested that we save the meal for dinner the next night, after the kids go to bed. We could eat it while we watch a movie, cozy on the couch. Ahhhh, the comforts of our usual date night. As for dinner tonight, let’s stop at Wendy’s on the way. OK, HHMMMMM, I think I’ll have the chicken fingers!

ISN’T IT ROMANTIC??

DANCING FOR MYSELF!

I’ve never been one of those “I am woman hear me roar” ladies. Everyone should be equal; boy, girl, animal, mineral, we’re all living creatures that bleed the same color blood, feeling the same hurt and pride. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not burning my bra or tossing my spanx just yet but I don’t look at the two sexes as separate entities. Women are women and men are men, together we are human. That’s my story and I’m sticking with it, at least until my next belly dancing class. Never to be the conventional one, I started taking belly dance class as a fun alternative to the basic exercise grind. Little did I know that I would be awakening a whole new powerful being within myself! For the first time within my life I can say I feel like a truly sensual woman. My powerful, Goddess from within radiates from every shimmy, shake and snake-arm. Pure Beauty!!! Many believe that belly dancing is intended as a sexual presentation of the body. It’s not. The dance form is intended to be pure feminine expression of power and beauty. Of course, I’d be lying if I told you it doesn’t get my husband’s blood pumping. Then again, simply walking across the room has the same effect on him, but I digress. I encourage every one of all shapes and sizes and abilities to seek out their own class. If you don’t think it’s for you check out the following website: http://www.wickedlocal.com/kingston/fun/entertainment/x1434775297/Dancing-for-themselves.
Click on the YouTube link and see for yourselves. Can you guess which one I am? Hint…Grace is not my middle name. I’m certainly not very good! I don’t care! I dance for myself! I dance like no one is watching! I dance from the heart! You can Too!!!

~ NAMASTE ~

SHOPPING CART ETIQUETTE

How difficult is it to put your shopping cart back into the cart return when you’re finished shopping? What’s more frustrating than finding the perfect parking spot only to find in mid-turn a rogue cart. URGH!!! What’s up with leaving your cart in the parking spot you are leaving? Don’t you know that as soon as you leave, the abandoned cart turns renegade, hunting you down, not caring what other vehicles are in its path? Haven’t you ever seen the lone run-a-way cart sailing across the parking lot? I guarantee it’s not the wind blowing it along. So much for that shiny new paint job! Don’t even get me started on the people who park their empty carts NEXT to the cart return. Are you kidding me? Four more inches and you’ve hit your mark. I’m hoping you’re more accurate while you shove that fork into your mouth. I suppose not stabbing yourself in the eye takes precedence over shopping cart etiquette.
You know who I’m talking to…you indolent pushers! Store owners put the cart returns in parking lots for a reason. Looking pretty and wasting a good parking spot isn’t why. It’s only common courtesy to put your carts away when you are done. It’s quite simple really. Follow me…empty cart contents into your vehicle. Extend arms, grip cart handle, and gently push while carefully steering shopping cart to cart return home base. Should said cart return be full of shopping carts, mindfully insert said cart into existing carts back side. Release handle, walk away. Now, how hard was that?

There are only three legitimate reasons for not putting your cart away:

1. The extremely elderly, as they were lucky enough to find their car the first time around. Let’s not push their luck and ask them to walk away and try to do it again.
2. Families with young children. Heaven forbid the kids reach over and lock mom or dad out of the car thus resulting in the ever embarrassing 911 calls for help in extracting said children from car.
3. Being caught in a down pour with the cart return more than 6 cars away. Unless of course you are carrying an emergency floatation device.

THAT’S IT!!! No other excuses. Heed this warning my friends…Think twice before you walk away from that displaced shopping cart! If the cart doesn’t haunt you, I will chase you down myself…. I know where you parked your car…. BWAAHAHAHA!!!

UM! Because it's Sunday...

Oy Vay!...Even the good Lord himself took a day off! It's like this, I just don't want to do a darn thing today. Got It? Good! Cause it ain't gonna happen. Some days it just flows and flows and flows. Some days..NOTHING! Oh, one more thing, I'm not going to feel guilty about it either. Why should I? No one else does. It is what it is! CRAP...there went the buzzer on the dryer. WHAT? You still didn't do your weekend homework? You want to eat dinner tonight too? RATS!!! It was good while it lasted. Maybe next Sunday. A girl can hope can't she?

My Life...

5:48am: MOM!!!! Where are my clothes? Mom, Mom, Mom, are you still sleeping? Mom, Mom, Mom...MOM!!! WAKE UP!!!!! I need clothes!

5:49am: ME: (Draging ass out of bed with half opened eyes in hopes I can go back to sleep...gather clean clothes, pass off to overly exuberant kids.)

6:17am: MOM GET UP, I'M HUNGRY!!!!! MOM, MOM, MOM, MOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!

6:17 1/2am: ME: pressing snooze, "why won't this damn thing work?"...press, press, press, TOSS ACROSS ROOM.....OH FUCK!!! It's the Urchins..."I'm up! Go down Stairs, I'll be RIGHT THERE!!!"

6:22am: MMMMMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!!!!!! I'M HUNGRY NOWWWWWWW!!!!!!

6:29AM: ME: Thump, thump, thump...."Ouch, G-Damn-It!"

You OK Mom? Good, What's to eat?

6:32am: Cereal again? I want a hot meal! We always get cereal. What about pancakes with real butter and warm maple syrup? HUH? MOM? MOM? ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME MOM? MOM? OPEN YOUR EYES, MOM!!!!

6:33am: ME: "You're getting cereal and you're gonna LOVE IT!"

6:33 1/2: Alright, will you help me put my socks on?

6:34am: ME: "Are you kidding me?"

" No, will you put my socks on while I chew so I can get everything done faster?"

ME: "FINE!!!! There, you happy now???!!!???!!!"

(Make massive pot of VERY black coffee!) Connect intravenous line of very black coffee. Wait for caffeine to kick in......AAAHHHH! :)

7:02am: MMMOOOMMM!!! We're gonna be late!!!! MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM, MMMOOOMMM......!!!

ME: (wiping drool from chin...."it's SATURDAY, WHAT'S THE RUSH? GOT A HOT DATE THIS EARLY IN THE MORNING?"

No, Mom, DON'T BE STUPID! It's time for the Pine Wood Derby.....

ME: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!

MMMOOOOMMMMM!!!

ME: "GO TALK TO DADDY!!! HE'S RIGHT THERE!!!!!"
7:48am: UUUMMMM...OK guys let's go, Mom will meet us when she's ready. Let's go. we want to be sure to get a good spot. Are you ready? OK great, let's go...

BYE MMMOOOMMM!!!!!!! WE'LL SAVE YOU A SEAT!!!!! XOXOXOXO

SLAM!!!!

~PHEW~!

7:48 1/2 am: "ring, ring, ring..." ME: "HELLO? Oh hi, yes! What time does it start? 9: 45 am ? HHHMMMM, OK great thanks, see you then. Bye!"

7:49am ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!

PARENTS REVOLT!!!

Scenario: Teachers lounge, Schools across the world:


PRINCIPLE: “OK folks here it is. You’re getting soft on these kids! We can’t have that! Remember: parents are our enemies! We must stop them at the impasse! You must, must, must coordinate your schedules people! Homework must prevail! Science peeps-more projects. English wenches-reports only get two days to prepare! Math-double up! What part of more, more, more don’t you understand? We shouldn't have to teach these kids, that’s why we have parents, damn it! OK, so here’s the plan: Next week every child in this place gets two projects due by Thursday with only cryptic instructions. Screw the after school activities! Don’t these parents realize school is the priority!!! And remember, it’s a full moon on Tuesday. The first teacher who can send a parent over the edge gets a $10.00 Starbucks gift card! Any questions? Good! Now give ‘em hell people!”

I’m telling you friends; this is really how it goes down. My father was a teacher for 33 years. It’s true. Unfortunately, like a good magician he took all of his teacher tricks with him to the grave. Even his one and only daughter couldn't pry those educating secrets from his mind.

So what do we do to put an end to this evilness? After much deliberation this is my plan on how we can fight back against all those horrid and painful projects. I’m sure you’re aware that there is only one fruitcake in the world that gets passed from household to household. Right? Right! Well, why can’t there be only one school project that gets passed around. I know what you’re thinking, “but these teachers will eventually catch on to the repeated content.” Here’s the fix for that, just like any good chain letter, each family will change one item in the project. When finished they will simply pass it along to the next needy family. And so on…
All I'm saying is...it’s time we fight back! How many times do you look at your child’s homework dumbfounded? Do you call your neighbors asking if they could figure out the directions on tonight’s homework? Of course you do! It’s a conspiracy. Teachers against parents.
Grab your textbooks, pencils, rulers and glue sticks and follow me!!!!

IT’S TIME FOR PARENTS TO REVOLT! READY, SET, LET’S GO………..!

WTF!!!

Many years ago I worked as a telephone customer service rep for a hair care product company. Only deranged angry people, lonely senior citizens and imbeciles took the time to call and verbally abuse us on a day-to-day basis. Using these delightful folks customer number, we were able to access their accounts thus allowing us to proceed with their requests.

The following is how one of these calls went down. It is a true story. I swear! I couldn’t make this shit up:

ME: Thank you for calling Jane Doe Beauty Supplies, This is Megan, how may I help you today?

IMBECILE: Yes, I would like to place an order for a refill on my daily refining shampoo.

ME: Certainly, So that I may better help you today, I will need your customer account number located above your name and address starting with a ONE, ZERO.

(Thirty seconds of dead silence follows my request)

IMBECILE: UM, I can’t find the number that starts with a ONE, ZERO, but I can find a number that starts with a TEN. Is that the right one?

16 years later, I still have the scars on my tongue from clamping down so hard as to not verbally thrash this woman. After picking myself up off of the floor, all I could say, with as much restraint possible was:

ME: Yes, that number will work just fine!

Following this call two very alarming thoughts crossed my mind. They still haunt me to this day… Does this woman DRIVE? Has she REPRODUCED?!?!?!?

It’s moments like this when all one can really say is …WTF!

God Speed My Beloved TAZ…

No one, no who, why, what, where or how will ever be able to convince me that animals and humans can’t communicate with each other. I’ve been surrounded by animals my entire life and can’t imagine life without a four legged soul sharing my world. I grew up as an only child but never felt alone; due to the bazillion dogs my mom bred and raised. They were my sentinels, my brothers, sisters, even my snitches. Especially if I didn’t share my lunch with them. Off they would run to tell mom that I wasn’t sharing with them. “Share with your sister” was the reply my mom would send my way. With dogs around I couldn’t get away with anything. Sometimes I felt I was born to be their playmate not the other way around. 13 years ago I got my husband his first dog. One week after moving into our house I surprised him with a rescued shepherd-husky. We named him Taz. He was magnificent. One eye glowed blue to show off his husky spirit the other, brown, was the portal to his soul. He was so grateful to be rescued from the horrendous environment that he was born into. He never ceased to show us his appreciation. In all the years we had him the only destructive thing he did was gently pull the full garbage bag out of the trash can, leaving all garbage and bag in tact. He then proceeded to pick up the can and loudly thump it against the wall to wake me up ‘cause he had to pee. WOW! That’s it! What a gentleman!!! I really believe from the bottom of my heart that we can learn so much from the animal kingdom. Animals love us unconditionally! Even when we fuck up, they stay by our side. They don’t know size, color or creed. When we introduced two other dogs and children to the family, Taz welcomed them with open paws. He quietly guarded our children, our house and our lives. We recently had to make the difficult decision to put our beloved Taz down. It was HE who gently told me it was time. His eyes caressed my heart telling me “I know how much you love me, thank you for all the years of love and life you gave me but, it’s time to let me go.” Even to the end it was Taz who comforted us with his gentle spirit. Taz peacefully slipped away. But, not without one last soft nudge, letting us know he will always be watching guard over our lives…

We love and miss you so much, thank you for your love, life and protection…

GOD SPEED MY BELOVED TAZ, XOXOXO!!!

Yet another gratuitous avenue for seeking my 15 minutes of fame!

It’s never been a better time in the history of mankind to be a narcissistic chump! With so many avenues of self-expression via the Internet it’s almost impossible not to be noticed. Well folks, it’s my turn to stick out like a sore thumb. Gotta love it…Woohoo!!! With all the thoughts flashing through my head day and night I’ve finally found the perfect place to deposit the overwhelming influx of brain burps. I’m gonna blog it. I welcome one and all to join me in this journey of mindless drivel. I encourage constructive criticism. Notice I said CONSTRUCTIVE not DESTRUCTIVE criticism!!!! If you notice yourself in any of my rantings, get over it! How dare you be so vain as to think I would take time out of my day to think of someone other than me? On the other hand, if you notice yourself within these pages, perhaps it’s time to start rethinking how you live your own life. For the sake of liable and slander protection I will not be sharing the real names of those involved in my verbal ire. I will however not be afraid to spew whatever thoughts flow through me each day. This being said, if you’re offended, don’t read it! Just turn it off! Exercise your right to free will! So buckle up tightly, put your seats in the upright position and hold on, we’re in for a bumpy ride…. Last but not least, WELCOME TO THE VOICES IN MY HEAD!!!!